Firefighters don’t actually use the ‘fireman’s carry’ anymore, and other things I’ve learned from the Steam reviews for simulator games

You can learn a lot about the world’s professions by checking out the Steam reviews for games with the word “simulator” in their titles. For instance, in the reviews for Lawn Mower Simulator, you will find the owner of a lawn maintenance company asking, “Why are we cutting grass at 2.5 inches??? Are we $20 lawn guys?”

The idea that you can put the word “simulator” after any job or mundane activity and make a videogame out of it used to be a joke at the expense of series like Farming Simulator, but it’s no joke anymore. A cottage industry has grown around simulating every job and activity it’s possible to simulate: hairdressing, gold mining, home renovating, power washing, you name it.

And inevitably, the people who actually do these jobs show up in the Steam user reviews to tell us how well the game matches reality, which is how I learned recently that firefighters do not, in fact, use the “fireman’s carry” where you sling someone over your shoulders.

The reason was pretty obvious once I considered it: heat and smoke rise, so raising someone off the ground is going to increase the amount of heat and smoke they’re subjected to. It can also require a lot of strength.

“…We don’t ‘fireman’s carry’ victims in the fire service,” Steam user Floke said in their review of Firefighting Simulator: Ignite. “It’s very rare for that to happen. We drag victims with a certain technique so that they stay low to the ground and get the best air possible. We don’t raise them into a super heated atmosphere when they don’t have an SCBA [self-contained breathing apparatus].”

That was a criticism of the game, but sometimes reviewers with experience doing the real job would prefer that the game version not be realistic.

Regarding American Truck Simulator, a former trucker wrote: “I’m going to enjoy driving Wyoming in this game as driving it in real life was an absolute headache with how often I-80 has chain ups for ice and shut downs just for strong winds that could blow your trailer clean over.”

Some of them are also mildly concerning. “Im a Medical School student and I approve this,” one reviewer wrote about Surgeon Simulator, a game which gives you an achievement for completely removing your patient’s ribcage. “This is basicly how our studies are going all the time.”

Disappointingly, I haven’t been able to find any reviews of Schedule I from real drug lords, but perhaps they simply haven’t identified themselves.

I don’t think any goats have reviewed Goat Simulator, either, although we did ask a goat farmer to review the original back in 2014. “I wonder if the game developers know that in my pasture, a lolling tongue means the most rudimentary of goat romance awaits,” she wrote.